Distill Wars Episode VIII: Tequila Throwdown! Cuervo Gold vs Camarena Reposado vs Patron Reposado

Welcome to probably the most dangerous episode of Distill Wars: TEQUILA!

Back when I was younger I loved tequila. In my early 20's I'd even do some shots just to fall asleep while I transitioned from being a night owl to having to be at work early in the morning. Then in August of 2006 an entire pallet of Jose Cuervo Gold tipped over coming off of a truck and smashed. A lake of Cuervo on concrete baking in the August sun in 100 degree weather all day. Just imagine that. For a long time I couldn't even smell tequila without wanting to purge my lunch.

But those days are done and I'm over it. And here I am with three tequila nips, about to find out which one is better, and most likely black out in the process.

Wallet weight-in

Camarena Reposado: $2.00

Jose Cuervo Especial Gold: $2.50

Patron Reposado: $6.00

The Jose Cuervo is a Gold Tequila while the others are Reposados. So Jose Cuervo is up against some tough competition because it's just a silver tequila that's had caramel coloring added, while the Reposados have actually spent time in oak to earn that color. Can the underdog Cuervo overcome the odds? Pffffft. Not likely.

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Distill Wars Episode VII: Rakia Rumble

It's the Fourth Annual Bulgarian Wine Month thanks to BulgarianWine.com! You can read all of the reviews from the first year (2015), the second year (2016), the third year (2017), and this year (2018) by following those links.

To read about the fascinating history of Bulgarian wine, check out Bulgaria - Part 1: Three-Thousand Years of Wine History. To learn about the grapes, wine regions and Bulgarian wine's place in the market, read Part 2: The Current State of Bulgarian Wine. And if you'd like to see what Bulgaria's national drink is all about, find out in Part 3: Invincibility of Rakia.

The last Distill Wars was in November of 2017 so we're due for another one, and it just so happens that that I've got some of that rakia (Bulgarian brandy) from BulgarianWine.com to turn myself into an unstoppable and fearless warrior!

All three are produced by Burgas 63, come in 375ml bottles, have a 40% ABV, and will cost you $14. Unfortunately there's not a lot of information available on these three contestants, which I guess is normal for rakia. Why is Pearl called Pearl? I dunno, but I know it's made from Muscat Otonnel and Hamburg Misket and spent three years in barrels. It appears the Barrel Aged is just Pearl that spent five years in barrels instead of three. The Traminer is obviously made from Traminer. But that's all I really know! So ring the bell and let's get it on!

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Distill Wars Episode VI: Triple Sec Triple Threat! Stock Gran Gala vs Cointreau vs Grand Marnier Cordon Rouge

I was reminded that it's been awhile since I did a Distill Wars post when Episode V: Beefeater vs. Tanqueray started trending a few weeks ago for some reason. Yeah, it's been awhile since the last installment... but a whole year and a half? Damn, man! I've been slacking on Distill Wars! Let's fix that right now!

I have purchased three nips of orange liqueur, AKA "triple sec". Stock Gran Gala, Cointreau, and Grand Marnier. Let's do the weigh-in before we get them in the ring to duke it out.

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Distill Wars Episode V: Beefeater vs. Tanqueray

Distill Wars is back and this time it's botanical! Gin, motherfuckers!

It's spring time... or as anybody that's actually fun calls it: gin and tonic season. There's nothing that says "oh shit, this warm weather feels so fucking good" than a cold, refreshing gin and tonic. But be careful! There's nothing worse than a gin and tonic hangover so be smart and limit yourself to two, then move on to some other form of alcohol. Earn a hangover some other way.

Beefeater and Tanqueray are the big-gun gins on the market. There's far better ones, such as Martin Miller and Hendricks, but these guys are the ones that you're gonna see the most and people will be buying the most. So it's time to see which one is better.

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Distill Wars Episode IV: Israeli Arak

If you haven't read any of my Distill Wars posts yet, the concept is this: I take two spirits and place them in a room with a honey badger and just one sharp stick. The honey badger gets drunk, plays with the stick like a clumsy puppy, and then passes out. It's adorable.

Nah, what I do is I take two spirits, taste them and give my opinion on which one is better. Episode I: Crap vs Cognac was Hartley's and Courvoisier, Episode II: Whisky vs Whiskey was Jameson and The Glenlivet 15, and Episode III: Ahus vs Austin was Tito's Vodka and Absolut Vodka.

Episode IV takes two brands of Arak from the Holy Land and makes them face each other in a duel. The two contestants are Ramallah Golden Arak and Jabalna Arak. As you can see from the levels in the bottles, I've already had some fun with these since I got them.

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Distill Wars Episode III: Ahus vs. Austin

I was thinking that it's been awhile since I did a Distill Wars Episode so I went ahead and raised it from the dead. This time... it's VODKA!

I usually stay away from vodka mostly because of things like the example pictured above: It'll mess you up. And also it's just filtered ethyl alcohol (with some water, sweeteners and numerous chemicals added that they don't want you to know about). I would love to get my hands on a copy of Vodka Enthusiast to see what the hell a vodka drinker thinks is so great about it. Ya know, other than it will mess you up. Maybe I'll learn something tonight.

So here we go... I bought myself a nip of Absolut Vodka ($2.25) and a nip of Tito's Handmade Vodka ($1.79). Who will be crowned the winner?

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Distill Wars Episode II: Whisky vs Whiskey

So they think the original way to spell the name of the spirit in question was Whiskey. Then the Scots dropped the E and started calling theirs Whisky just to be different from the Irish. You know, to be unique. Like when somebody names their kid Jordyn, forever burdening them with a lifetime of correcting people.

I love, and always have loved, Scotch whisky. The problem with great Scotch is it's too fucking expensive. Back in my early-to-mid-twenties, for reasons lost in time, I had a tradition of doing shots of Jameson Irish Whiskey in massive quantities during winter storms before I braved the cold and started shoveling. I can't handle that kind of shenanigans anymore while remaining a responsible adult and still expecting myself to get up in the morning, so these days it's a taste of Porto or Australian sticky that keeps me warm instead.

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Distill Wars Episode I: Crap vs Cognac

When I was at the incredibly immature age of 21, I think a shot or two of Courvoisier VS snuck in to the middle of the lineup of a massive list of booze downed at a notoriously shady bar one night.

The motivation to try Courvoisier was "The Ladies Man" - SNL skit turned feature film.

It's the All American Classic

That night ended with a river of vomit. And that is my entire experience with brandy.

So here I am, studying to be a Certified Specialist of Spirits, and I've never really experienced brandy. Brandy is even the main reason that I'm going for the CSS. As a CSW planning on becoming a CWE I should probably know something about the spirit made from wine, right?

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